REkzkaRZ

Surprised that so much of my love life is here online. HA
Well, not much new. Still single, but dating again.
Starting off with more self-love, then expanding that outwards.

I'm also more focussed on work than on romance, which is VERY new.

Most of my blog stuff is posted at rekzkarz.com.
I like LiveJournal, but how many blogs can a person maintain? HA HA

Saw that my last post here was after a sad breakup in June, and now I've gone thru another breakup 2 weeks ago. I'm not quite as sad b/c it was only 3 months, and I didn't have the feeling that it was very solid.

I'm glad for all the women I have met. Our relationships have been learning experiences for me, and I earnestly have approached most of these relationships with sincere desires for life-long love.

Only recently, at my first 'Process Coach' meeting, did I realize that I had some core ideas from early childhood that instilled a concept in myself that I didn't deserve to be loved and that I was bad.

My parents were both very busy single-parents (they broke up when I was 3, divorced awhile later) in a join custody situation, and both parents had a lot on their minds. I'd like to be specific, but I realize that it's their stories to tell and not mine. Anyway, when I'd come home to either house, they'd both greet me warmly and say how glad they were to see me, and soon enough I'd be alone -- either in my room while one was cooking, or present but alone as one parent completely checked out (and into TV world).

I never thought I'd considered this to affect me, but it did ... at the core. It shook me up and I believe the idea sabotaged my potential for wonderful relationships.

So ... now what will happen? I'm very happy to have found this practitioner. He is a seeming miracle worker, and yet his techniques make a lot of common sense. There is no real bizarreness here, only holistic concepts.

June updates:

I think my life flipped upside down! Wha' happen'?

Broke up w/ex-fiance in June '06. HARD. After 2 years, 1 yr engagement, kablam. Done. We're still friendly, kinda sorta.

Moved to Oakland in a giant live/work warehouse. Thought it'd help me get focussed. Instead, it helped me realize what I value ... but helping disconnect me from so much of my world (jobs, friends, places, etc). Oakland has it's plusses, no doubt. But it's not a fun place for me at night.

I quit my job in March. The commute sucked (1hr each way), the job depressed me, and something had happened & I was going off the wrong direction. Glad I quit, really miss the $$$, but it wasn't worth it. Hope I don't starve or wind up in the streets.

Now trying my hand at video production. threewaysmedia.com A dream, hopefully to become a reality!

End of May (2 days ago), I called it off w/a woman I'd been seeing for many months. I've been 'off-balance' since I quit my work, constantly stressing about getting more video work done, and not feeling particularly cheery. I realized I only have 180 days (6 mo's) or so to knock this stuff out, and 2 months have just gone by!
She is very sweet, very kind, has an amazing body (!!!), and I respect how she handles her life -- but I wasn't feeling open to romance right now. (Amazing to say that, for me.)

I'm not sure where that leaves us, but I know that if I'm not available, I need to say it.

Moving back to Berkeley in June w/a friend and her b/f. She has an extra bedroom alone on the 3rd floor, it's perfect -- altho a bit tiny. I'm psyched, even tho I move too much. I'm doing 1 mo overlap so I don't 'get stuck' with too much stuff that won't fit in the new pad, and enough time to hustle all that crap across the city.
Last time, I paid almost $1k to have movers move me. This time, it's gonna be me & a few friends. I'd better start working out now...!